Stories from Budapest: Köszönöm szépen

This is the last post from Budapest but not the last story from Budapest. First of all I want to say thank you for everybody who has been part of my adventure here in Budapest. I will miss you all! I would like to thank you everybody personally, buy chocolate for you and write the personal letter. But you are so many so it would take eternity to do that.

My exams went better than I supposed. I did my best, passed well and also got good feedback from the teachers. I can say that I’ve tried to work hard this semester and after the exam day I finally realised that it has been worth it. I’ve thought the whole semester that I’ve gone through a big learning process but now I feel that this was actually the beginning of the process.

Going back to my previous post, have I enjoyed the last week? YES! Every ballet class, seeing friends, food and even on the exam day I enjoyed. Actually I think that exams or performances should be moments when you can only enjoy. Work has done, you know what to do and how to do.

I’ve spent well also the last free days in Budapest. After the exam day I went to swim and sat in the sauna very long time. I just needed it. Then in addition of packing and cleaning I went to see dance performance and Christmas concert. Actually that was my first concert experience in Budapest and I liked it very much. It increased my Christmas mood. And what would be the last days in Budapest without Christmas fair and some treats there. 

Good bye friends, Good bye Budapest! I will miss you a lot. 

- Jutta 

PS. I would like to encourage everybody who are interested in to study abroad to leave. Be brave, be curious, be unsure and go! 

Stories from Budapest: Let's enjoy

Last summer my friend told me how she had used to eat ice cream every day. ”Life is for enjoying” she said. How facile, I thought. You have to suffer a bit that you can enjoy your life, right? No pain no gain, right?

Have you ever killed your joy or happiness by thinking that ”oh that’s soon over, life is soon boring again”? I have, too many times. Why couldn’t we enjoy our lifes? Why couldn’t we do everyday decisions which bring us joy? We cannot always change things in our lifes but we can always choose the attitude how do we face the things.  

Well, it’s time for the last week in Budapest. And I’ve decided to enjoy as much as I can. Whatever I’ll face I’ll enjoy. This last week in Budapest will be made by:

Exams. I have dancing exam about ballet, jazz, hip hop and tap dance. The hard last school day coming!

Cafe moments and friends. Of course.

Goodbyes. I hate them. I would want to skip these moments. Instead of goodbye I would like to say see you soon.

Escape room. This will happen today and I am very exited.

”Boundless”. I would like see this performance on Friday. It will be performed by Elite programme of Budapest Dance Theatre.

(No thesis. It can wait.)

And let's see what else! There are always some surprises in everyday. If you just want to see them.

18th December I will drag my two huge suitcases to Budapest airport. And five minutes before midnight I can say well hello to Helsinki.

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Deep sigh

I have only two weeks left in Budapest and I have started to prepare myself mentally to go back Finland. Some friends have also asked me about general questions such as: what have been the best things in Budapest? what will you miss the most? What you’ve learnt here? Etc. And I’ve noticed that it’s pretty difficult answer to these kind of questions while I am still here. I think that I can see this autumn semester and understand myself better later. However I tried to think about these questions a bit and wrote something down...

What shall I miss?

My daily schoolway. It takes 10 minutes to walk to school and I love this transition from my flat to school. 10 minutes time for mindblowing and breathing the open-air. In my way to school there is a painting of huge heart which reminds me everyday what’s the most important thing for human being.

People. Absolutely. For me the hardest thing is to leave behind all people I’ve met.

Cafes. I feel that when I walk along streets of Budapest I always focus on to find different cafes. The sad story is that I won’t have time (or many) enough to try every cafe which I would like to.

The View in the evening. Budapest is beautiful especially in the night time. All those lights and bridges make me sigh deep. So beautiful. And now in December the Christmas fairs of Budapest have brought the own cosy atmosphere to the city.

Dance classes. They’ve been very instructive and quite different (for better or worse). Dance was the reason I came here and it could be reason for staying here.

What have I learnt?

Lot of things of myself. I feel that I’ve gone through a little identity crisis. I’ve faced so many new things here so I probably had to face also myself.

Dancing is my thing. During this semester I’ve many times asked myself why do I dance. Everytime I end up this conversation by saying to myself: I can’t live without dance.  

How it feels to be stressed, ashamed, afraid and lonely. And how to leave these emotions behind and decide to enjoy life. I’ve learnt something about courageous.

I am very finnish who appreciate finnish things. I didn’t know that before. Lol.

Furthermore I’ve also started to appreciate so many other things what I have in my life. Most important my family and friendships. It’s not a self-evidence that I live in wellness and have loving people around me.

What do I waiting for when I go back to Finland?

First of all I am waiting for to see my family and spend time with them. Peaceful, loveful and restful time. And of course because of Christmas time I am waiting for all Christmas things. Especially christmasfood :D Dark chocolate, mulled wine, mom’s vegetable pattys, finnish Christmas bread, red apples, rice porridge…

Finnish language. Finally I can express myself orally well and somebody understand my jokes. Or that I even tell jokes. I think I’ll be very social person when I go back to Finland.

Helsinki. After New Year I will move to Helsinki to do my internship. Helsinki has been my favorite city since I remember and I am pretty excited to move there. Although at the same time it’s sad to leave Budapest behind.

And some random dreams for next year?

When I was child my dream was to be a baker. I’ve always loved to bake but past two years I’ve been even more interested in about coffee. Well, my dream is to be a barista. I could see myself making coffee art all day long. Actually there are also some opportunities in Helsinki to have some kind of barista education…

I will graduate (hopefully :D) next spring as a dance teacher. But at this moment I would like to study dance more. I hope that next year I could develop myself as a dancer somewhere, somehow.

Now when I am soon leaving from Budapest I am already planning to come here again. It feels good to go back to Finland but when you once go abroad (for longer time) you can’t stay in your home country the rest of the life. I think life is too short to live only in the one place. So let’s conquer the world.

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Thoughts of Sunday

I just came home from cafe after three hours thesis writing. For once I was very productive, maybe because of the yummy brownie I had there gave sugar-super-power for my brains. Usually I don’t prefer to do school stuff on Sundays but time before Christmas is always more busy and I feel myself¨a bit stressed. But I want to fight against stress. Against full schedules, tiredness, homesickness. Against everything which takes my chance to enjoy these last three weeks here in Budapest!

This weekend I had twice wonderful Thanksgiving meal here. That was three F: food, friends and fellowship. I have thought also something about thankfulness. When I see homeless people (they are many in Budapest) or hear how my friends struggle with school/job/healthy etc I realized how lucky I am. And I’ve also realized how much more thankful I should be. I live with wellness, have lovely family and friends who I miss a lot and I can study dance which is my favorite thing in the world.

Too often small silly things spoil my day. What a power it would be if we don’t let the things define our day. Or life. Despite of stress we can choose to be thankful and we can choose to enjoy our lifes. It’s not always emotionally easy choice but it’s something stronger and lasting. Have a great week with some peaceful and thankful moments!

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Some differences

Time really flies! I can’t imagine that after four weeks I am going back to Finland. That feels confusing. When I have just adjusted to this environment I have to leave. At school we have started to concentrate to exams. The exam day will be the last school day and we dance whole day long. But on the other hand it’s very motivational to have exam: it makes me work hard also these last weeks.

When you go to study abroad you’ll soon notice that weekdays are also weekdays in the other country. Studying abroad for one semester is cool experience but most of the days feels very normal also abroad. For example I tend to have my own daily routine very soon also in different environment. However last week I noticed that something what I do bit differently than in Finland. Here are some things which are normal me in Budapest but not in Finland (so far).

I have seen lot of dance performances during this semester. In Budapest there are probably every day going lot of different kind of performances. Most of them are quite cheap and as a student I get also discount. I’ve mostly seen here modern pieces and for example next week I am going to see the Anniversary Gala of Budapest Dance Theatre. I think that going to see different performances is very very good also for the professional identity.

Food. I don’t have here school food or enthusiasm to cook our small kitchen every day. Fortunately in Budapest there are lot of cheap places where to get for example healthy take aways. I usually pick up something from chinese/asian restaurants because they have some great vegetarian food. In addition I so love the cafe (and cake) culture of Budapest and probably I spend too much money for these places. But still I have to admit that I really miss finnish food and cooking and baking by myself…

I realized that I listen to more music here than in Finland. Almost always when I spend my time in my room I have some Spotify playlist on. I’ve found that listening to music is my new energy source.

Budapest is quite a big city and has very good public transport. It’s handy to move from place to place by using tram/metro/bus. In Finland I always prefer walking but in Budapest it’s simply better to use public transport. Easy and quick. The air is not so fresh here so if I need to take some walk I go to Margaret Island or somewhere out of the city.

Yoga lessons. Here I’ve used to go to yoga on Saturdays. I feel that after hard school week yoga is welfare way to start the weekend. Breathe deep, concentrate and strengthen and stretch body. Earlier I had used to run sometimes but nowadays it dose not feel so good. In my opinion the running is not the best workout for dancers because it develops different kind of muscles than we use in dance.

I am sure there are some more things I do differently in Budapest but morning oatmeal and evening stretching are things which always remain :D Also I have to admit that I have never cared nightlife parties which has probably bewildered someones here. Although Budapest is nightlife wonderland I prefer living life during days and sleeping during the nights. So good night everybody and let’s dance hard before Christmas takes me back to home.

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: #bestrandomness

I realized that my posts mostly handle about how to solve problems of daily life. Maybe because I try to be honest to myself and see the truth in the things. Everyday challenge :D Sometimes I feel that more I try to solve challenges more I see how limited is my viewpoint.  For me living in other country has been very instructive experience. Different people, different culture, so many ways to live… What is my way? What is your way?

But now I don’t concentrate on problems or challenges. I want to tell something about my autumn break which really has been the best. Even that I lost my phone or had stomach flu couldn’t disturb my happiness during the holiday. I had three days quality time with my best friend which meant mostly talking, exploring and eating. During these three days we went to spa, had massage, saw the sunset by Tonava, played games in cafe, hiked in Normafa etc... It’s just awesome to have fellowship with bestie: laugh too much, make silly videos and have deep conversations. Probably at the same time.

My autumn break was also made by lot of randomness. Little and little bit bigger things which just made me so happy, nervous and excited at the same time. Although it’s sad that holiday ends I feel myself ready to go school again. In the weird way I miss that feeling 6 am in the morning when you have to wake up with sore muscles and you realized it’s not until Tuesday. That’s why the holiday is needed: after break you see again better why do you do what you do.

For me autumn break is also sign to start waiting for Christmas. It’s time to update Christmas playlist in Spotify, add cinnamon for everything and make list of present wishes…

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: When the leaves are falling...

Szia! It’s autumn break here. I had last lessons today and now let’s turn the holiday mood on. To be honest I really need holiday. I realized that during the last week, thanks for some lectures I had about ”fatique”.

i learn this river
i’m swimming against
has not been trying to
crush the body
it has been trying to
carry me in its mercy. 

//daniell bennett

I couldn’t watch myself from the mirror. There was ugly and wrong kind of dancer. I avoided mirror during the dance classes and prefered dance in the back row. I didn’t want that teacher would notice me. I felt that I couldn’t receive corrections without crying. Last two weeks I’ve thought many times what’s wrong with me. Why I don’t have physical and mental energy do dance and concentrate. I felt the paradox that what I love most will destroy me.

Couldn’t do pirouettes, couldn’t find balance, couldn’t feel myself. It was hard to fall asleep in the night. Too many things and thoughts. I didn’t write diary or stop myself during the day. I tried to survive and that’s not the purpose of life. When you have physical fatique it affects also to your mind. The teachers and dancers should know it.

My highlight of the week was the most simpliest thing in the world. I took walk on the Friday evening. Actually I went to Margaret Island which is very beautiful ”sport place” in Budapest. I walked and took my time. Maybe understood myself a bit better. Hey, I am tired and that’s okay. I have to rest and do something what I really like to do. And spend time with people who loves me.

It is important to rest also from dancing. Do something different and notice that dancing is just dancing. Although it’s vocation of my life I am also somebody else than dancer. I am sure I will have the most unique autumn break ever. My best friend is coming here and that’s pretty cool. 

- Jutta

Ps. I am waiting for the feeling after autumn break when I walk to the front row and dance with good vibes.

Stories from Budapest: Colours

Colours which you choose will paint your view of tomorrow.

Imagine that you have paintbrush in your hand and you can choose the colours what you want to paint. You can mix different colours or use simple ones. Choice and outcome are yours.

My best friend sent me message while ago and told me: you have colours which nobody else can dance. Since this message I have thought colours. And I am glad to write this post about some of my colours here in Budapest. I’ve got some new awesome friends here who are big part of my everyday painting. I have realised that life is mostly people for me. For counterpoise of dancing I want share some drops of colours from my last week.

On Wednesday we went to see Spartacus ballet to Opera house. It was my first visit in Opera house and the place was so beautiful. I hadn’t seen the ballet earlier so Spartacus was also new experience for me. Although I was standing almost the whole preformance at the balcony I enjoyed the performance.

On Friday I had lovely evening with some wonderful ladies. We had yummy apple oatmeal and the best fellowship by studying the book of Ruth. Sometimes all you need is the cosy evening like this.

My Saturday was the best since I came here in August. In the morning I went to run with my friend to Margaret Island. The weather was sunny and I felt so good to run after long time no running. In the afternoon I had few intensive study hours with my two friends. We have every Saturday ”study group” which means that we go study together to some cafe. After studying I had second afternoon coffee in the very elegant place named book cafe. I was happy to share this coffee moment with three beautiful ladies. (I will tell something about this cafe when I’ll do the post about my favorite coffee places in Budapest.) End culmination of my Saturday was the dance performance "Traviata". It was very dramatic performance by The dancers of GG Dance Eger and Inversedance | Zoltán Fodor Company.

During this week little voice inside me has told me that I don’t want to leave from here after this semester…

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Eternal underachiever?

It was some kind of volleyball game about ten years ago which came up to my mind last week. It was solution moment of the game and I had to catch the ball. I remember the pressure and feeling that everybody were looking at me. And I failed. I was ashamed and felt that I disappointed my team. I 'm  u n d e r a c h i e v e r, I said to myself.

Last week I realized that I have always kept myself as a underachiever. I usually don’t trust that I can and if I am nervous I work too hard and can’t concentrate. ”Just do it” is not slogan for me. I always try to do everything as ”perfect” I can. I go to studio early to warm up, eat healthy, sleep eight hours every night etc. And still I feel that I fail or underachieve too often.

Last week after morning ballet class I tried some pirouettes and balances which I couldn’t do during the class. I wasn’t surprised that when there was only me in the room I magically had very good balance and pirouettes. Then I asked myself why I can’t do this during the class? Why I suppose myself to be a underachiever?

I am person who thinks and analyses a lot, maybe too lot. But nobody ever teach during the dance classes how to practice the mental mind and what’s the way to concentrate well. While I was doing my thesis last week I found some interesting thesis concerning on mental training during the dance classes. According to this thesis it is as important to concentrate on physical training as mental training. And there are many good exercises to work with psyche. For example exercises of breathing, self-speaking and mental imagine. I think it’s time to change something in my mind. Y e s,  I  c a n.

I am finally feeling myself comfortable in Budapest. More good days, smiles and laugh, relaxing and safety feeling.. Yesterday I went to Buda hills with my new friends and it was wonderful evening. Frisbee, camp fire, marshmallows, songs, fellowship, beautiful sunset. I was so happy girl when I fell asleep last night.

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Who do you think you are?

I’m believer 

Sometimes I believe the lies of the deceiver 

The lies of seeds when they sprout 

They lead to seasons of spiritual amnesia 

(According to God/Beautiful Eulogy)

My biggest fear is that somebody proves somehow that I am not able to be a dancer. That I don’t have good enough ability or I am wrong kind of dancer.  During the last week I realized how this fear limit myself in the dance classes. If I am constantly thinking what kind of imagine I give about myself to other people I’ll be nervous, unsure and can’t focus well. To be honest I often find myself thinking: What if I fail? What if I look stupid or clumsy?

I think that is not only my problem. If I try to view this topic as a outsider I would like to say something to the dancers.

Nobody can define who you are or what kind of dancer you can be. It’s your body, your mind, your unique personality. And it’s in your mind who do you think you are. The key is to process how to become best your self. You can learn from other people but you can never become someone else.

Maybe we can never know perfectly who we are. It’s everyday searching but will bear fruit: easier to make right decisions, more peaceful mind, even more energy to do things... And also easier to concentrate during the dance classes. In my opinion concentration is beautiful and way to learn well. Focused dancer naturally exopose himself/herself  and that’s the moment when people get little piece to sense who is he/she. But focused dancer dosen’t need to think what other people think about him or her. Just try, fail, try and succeed. The fail is sign that something has to correct and the succeed is just one step forward.

You will not always be strong
but you can always be brave.//Beau Taplin

- Jutta

Ps. During this weekend I went to yoga twice. The studio was hot and I sweated a lot :D. I like very much to do yoga, pilates or this kind of body-mind exercises. They don’t give me inner peace but they are good ways to develop for example concentration, breathing and body awarness.

Stories from Budapest: Time out

Two days ago...

While I am writing this post I am sitting in the plane on my way from Helsinki to Budapest. I had the most wonderful weekend in Helsinki and right now I am feeling myself well rested and ready to continue my things in Budapest. With new energy and attitude.

One week ago I booked flight to Helsinki because I got worried about my health. I was continously wary, unsure, depressed and ready to cry for everything. Of course I have had better moments and days also but I couldn’t enjoy my life anymore. And week ago the solution was to book flight to Finland and take my own time out.

What happend in Helsinki? Nothing special but superspecial for me. I went to my sister’s apartment and we had the best sister-quality-time together. Lot of rest and deep conversations. Cooking yummy pasta and baking delicious applepie. Visiting cathedral and walking along cosy streets of Helsinki. 

And of course having the best cinnamon latte in Robert’s coffee.

It’s funny notice that after only five weeks moving from Finland to Budapest I can appreciate Finland and finnish things so much more. Now I see that I am a very finnish girl who loves fresh air and nature, cleannes, finnish honesty and behaviour, organised education system etc…

Dear beautiful autumn Finland, I will miss you again. But now, drinking my blueberry juice (thanks for Finnair) in the plane I think I am so ready again. I don’t care am I strong or weak, depressed or happy. I do this because I love to dance and right now the Hungarian Dance Academy is my place to be.

If we are brave enough to explore the darkness, we are certain to discover the infinite power of our light. 

//brené brown

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Weekdays in Hungarian Dance Academy

Last week I started my official Erasmus + program in Hungarian Dance Academy. Earlier weeks I have been with other programs. I will do my exchange studies with program of modern dancers but I only take a part in practice training (because of hungarian language). During last week I have met very different kind of dancers and take a part in different dance lessons. Unfortunately communication between me and my class  mates is limited because they mostly speak hungarian. But I am happy that dance is also kind of way to communicate and see the other people.

My school week runs from Monday to Friday. I wake up at 6:40, be in studio at 7:45 and start the ballet class at 8:30. I have more or less classes during the day and usually I come back to home at 6.30 pm. In addition of ballet classes I also have jazz dance from Monday to Thursday. My first jazz class last Monday little shock because it was very hard with complicated exercises… Twice a week I have ”rehearsal coaching and choreography” where students create choreographies and teach them to other students. I also have to create my own choregraphy and I am quite exited about that. Then I have also limón technique, tap dance and hip hop once a week.

I’ve been in Budapest now for four weeks and I still try adapt to culture and school. I think next three months will go very fast and I just hope that I could soon adapt to this environment. This semester will be huge learning process for me and I am sure I will be mental and physical stronger after this semester.  

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Hey dancer, how are you?

New things, new culture, new friends, new school.. During this week I’ve felt that everything is too much. I’ve been under too much stress and on Friday I realized I need to rest. To do whatever I want, eat candys, buy something just for fun, talk with my family and friends, consume time by doing nothing useful (well, that’s the most useful thing to do). I am person who doesn’t stop until has to. And I think I am not only one with this problem. When I found myself crying and being depressed it’s time to take a break.

It’s a hard world. I mean dance world. Did you know that Black Swan is a normal story? To be every day in front of mirror doesn’t make good for your self-confidence. There are jealousy, eating disorders, competing, criticism, physical and mental exhaustion among the dancers. It’s everyday fight to come better and better. But it’s worth it isn’t it?

Okay that’s truth but not only way to become a professional dancer. Sometimes I feel being lost in the danceworld because I don’t want to go through above mentioned negative things. I want to be physical and mental healthy dancer. Work hard and become the best I can. I think the key is to search who I am as a dancer and how my body can move.  

Dance is way of expressing. It is beautiful way to tell who I am. I need to dance because it’s part of my identity. Dance is learning process such as life. Dance is life. At least big part of it.

Take care,

Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Brain and ballet work in progress

Sunday is my new favorite day of the week. Earlier it was Friday but I’ve started to love peaceful Sunday mood. Slow breakfast (especially huge cup of coffee), Sunday church service, no school work, time for relaxing and spontaneous things... I have realised that ”rest day” is  e s s e n t i a l  for  human. I can’t work properly and dance at full if I don’t have one rest day in the week. It’s my right and responsibility to take time to rest and relax.

Well, the rest day is obviously good for the processing new learnt things and skills. During the last week I had morning ballet classes and lectures and practical classes of ”preparatory gymnastics – aesthetic body building”. Summarizing lot of brain and ballet work. Here are some insigihts from the last week.

Spine and ballet

Some of my teachers have spoken about this also earlier but I had kind of aha moment last week about this issue. Working with healthy spine will prevent lot of injuries and helps basically everything in ballet. It’s very important to find natural curves of spine and strength the supporting muscles of spine. Easy to say but hard to do. Among the ballet dancers there are lot of problems and injuries with the back. I think that focusing on healthy spine alignment at classes would help with these problems.

Strong abdominals and hamstrings

These muscles are now on my ”muscle strengthen list”. Last week I just realized that I have too weak deep abominals (for example to stabilize my natural curves of spine) and hamstrings (for example keep on my active turn out).I also have learnt about how important is the muscle symmetry (as much strength and flexibility in the muscles).

Body awareness

This is absolutely what I want to learn more. I started ballet when I was teenager and I wanted to learn quickly everything. I had not time to feel movements or process things because I learnt ballet technique mostly by visual perception. I tried to follow suit and just do the exercises with full of energy. Well, I have improved my body awareness but it’s still my weakness. For me it’s difficult to use and active only necessary muscles (not everything together). Developing body awareness will make the dance easier and more energy saving.

Warm up

Usually I come to the studio 45 minutes before class starts. I open up myself by stretching my cold and sleepy muscles and cracking ligaments. Then I do little workout for abdominals and back muscles, some tendus and swings for my hip joints. And finally I am physical and mental ready for the class. During the last week I tried to do my warm up differently: first step by step warming up the muscles (starting from the hip joints and core) and then stretching but no cracking! I think that’s the more logical and healthier way to prepare yourself to the ballet classes.

Now it's time to set alarm clock on and enjoy the last hours of the rest day :) 

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Top things of this week

One week behind in Budapest. Lot of new things have happened but keep focusing on good.

Morning ballet classes

Last week I had six ballet classes in the mornings. At classes I mostly concentrated on my stability, flexibility and turn out and tried to get some muscles after summer break. The classes here are more fast-paced than I have used to. So I need to really be awake that I don’t miss the exercises. Also there are professional teachers and many beautiful and talented students in Hungarian Dance Academy who are inspiring me to work hard.

Good Budapest introduction

I’ve been lucky because I’ve got some new friends who have already lived here for few years. They have introduced Budapest to me and told some hints and tips. Köszönöm szépen!

Cafeterias in Budapest

I am person who likes good coffee and nice cafeterias. And there are so many good places where to go in Budapest. Additionally it’s quite cheap to go to coffee (well everything is cheaper here than in Finland). Seems that I’ll spend some time by testing different cafeterias.. Maybe I will soon write the post ”my favorite cafeterias in Budapest”.

Danube international church

Today I found myself in the morning Sunday church service. This place and community was simply my prayer answer.

Tomorrow I will start my school here officially. I think it’s busy and hard week coming. Anyway I am very excited about my studies here. Let's focus on good and have a great week!

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Culture shock

Hero's square

Hungarian language, culture, publick transport, new people, different food... And they say Hungary and Finland have some kind of kinship! Three days behind and 114 days left (yes, I have counted). My biggest fear is right now that will I adapt to Hungary and to Hungarian Dance Academy? 

Something positive also. I have really enjoyed the ballet classes here. And I am excited about my coming dance studies in this autumn semester. I will have different kind of dance classes but mostly based on ballet. The school is high-level and the teachers are good. Well, I suppose next four months will be hard but improving for me. 

In addition of ballet classes I have tried to get familiar with the city. Budapest is a big and beautiful city and I can't believe I really live here for next four months. I have also started to study hungarian for myself. Right now I can say only "Jo napot kivanok", "Szia" and "köszönöm". Good start, it's only way up :D

r e s t

Eco Cafe

I think I have to give time for myself. Not three days but maybe three weeks. Fortunately I got good preparation from my school also for the culture shock:

"It is important to take good care of yourself throughout the process: exercise and get plenty of rest, contact home, eat well, talk about your feelings and experiences as well as do things you enjoy with friends and in your new home culture." 

- Jutta 

Stories from Budapest: Door is open

Now it’s the time. Bye bye Finland. See you next time in Christmas!

I am sitting on the bed and thinking where I am going. Well I know I am flying to Budapest tomorrow but for real I have know idea what’s ahead. Right know I have plenty of questions in my head and just hope that I will survive for the next few days.

Ballet classes start on Monday and I officially begin my exchange studies in Hungarian Dance Academy on the 1st of September. First week and half I have morning ballet classes but rest of the days are probably free. Actually I would be happy if I had time just to orientate to school, walk around in the city, make friends, learn new culture…

I am so exited. I hope this will be the best autumn semester ever. I am also afraid. But I trust, everything will be ok. Door is open, just step in.

I challenge myself and try to write in english ”stories from Budapest” during this autumn. Writing english about my experiences and feelings is something new for me. There will be many grammar errors and shorter stories than I would write in finnish, sorry. But I like challenges and really want to improve my english :)

Let’s go and dance hard!

- Jutta

Tunteista kiinni

Kuva: Saara Holappa

Tiedätkö sen tunteen, kun...

...hyppää kesällä ensimmäistä kertaa laiturin päästä ja ei tiedä kuinka kylmää vesi on. 

...katsoo liian jännittävää elokuvaa ja säikkyy jokaista rasahdusta. 

...lapsena joutui koulussa laiskanläksylle ja hävetti kovasti. 

...menee treffeille ja hermostuttaa oma itsensä.

...on juuri menossa lavalle esiintymään ja ei meinaa pysyä paikallaan. 

...on työhaastattelussa ja puhuminen tuntuu epäluontevalta.

Tämmöisiä tuntemuksia olen itsessäni havainnut kuluneen viikon aikana. Kun olen ajatellut miten pärjään Budapestissa, uudessa ympäristössä ja uusien ihmisten kanssa. Mutta nyt matkalaukku on pakattu, asiat hoidettu ja reitti selvänä. Vaikka ajatukset ja tunteet menisivät vuoristorataa, sunnuntaina lähtee lento ja maanantaina on ensimmäinen balettitunti. 

Olen yrittänyt psyykata itseäni, että pystyn ottamaan tunteistani vallan. Ottaa fiiliksistä kiinni, rutistaa ne paperimassapalloksi ja piilottaa housuntaskuun. Seisoa omana itsenäni, katsoa silmiin, puhua selkeästi, kuunnella ja tehdä. Ei täytesanoja, ei ekstraliikkeitä. Keskittyä olemiseen ja asiaan, ehkä toimintaan. Kuulostaa robottimaiselta, mutta oikeasti toimii jos vaikka jännittää tai hermostuttaa.  

En tarkoita sitä, että tunteet pitäisi tukahduttaa, päinvastoin. Olen huomannut, että läsnäolon tietoinen harjoittaminen (ja täytesanojen/eleiden karsiminen) auttaa tunnistamaan omia tunteita ja reaktioita asioihin. Tunteille ei vain kannata antaa hallintavaltaa. Tunteiden ei kannata määritellä itseä, muita ihmisiä tai tilanteita.

Niin monta helmi hetkeä lipuu monesti ohi, jos tunteet ovat saaneet itsestä vallan. Jos on vaikka liian kova nälkä ja kiukku, saattaa hotkaista herkullisen aterian nauttimatta siitä. Tai jos tapaa uuden ihmisen, voi omalla hermoilulla ja jännitteisyydellä pilata antoisan keskustelun. Tai jos tanssitunnilla keskittyy vain omiin epäonnistuneisiin piruetteihin voi jäädä näkemättä tanssikavereiden onnistumisia..

En itse todellakaan ole mikään tunnemaisteri, itseasiassa minulla juuri on taipumusta elää omien fiiliksien kautta. Ja oikein haalin ja havainnoin muiden toimintatapoja, joilla voisin korvata ”seiso omana itsenäsi” tilanteet. Ehkä se on niin vaikeaa, koska se on loppujen lopuksi niin yksinkertaista: olla oma itsensä. Kun vain osaisi olla se kuka on. Tunteikkaana tai tunteettomana.

- Jutta

Ps. Tarkoitus olisi kirjoitella jotain tarinoita Budapestista syksyn aikana, kunhan sinne ensin kotiudun...

Lähtölaskenta on alkanut

Mistä kirjoittaisin? Siitä, että viikon päästä olen aloittanut koulunkäynnin Budapestissa? Vai siitä, että kesä oli ihana, täynnä huippuja ihmisiä ja kokemuksia? Kirjottaisinko tunteista vai asioista? Pää on täynnä molempia.

Unohdun helposti mietteissäni haaveisiin ja ”voi oispa ihanaa, jos” –ajatuksiin. Mutta sitten kun haaveet ja toiveet alkavat oikeasti toteutua, tekisi sittenkin mieli elää sitä tuttua ja turvallista elämää. Kun on aika ottaa konkreettinen askel unelmia kohti, tekisi mieli mennä peiton alle piiloon ja unohtaa hetkeksi elämän uudet tuulet.

 Olen siis lähdössä alle viikon kuluttua Budapestiin vaihto-opiskelemaan syyslukukaudeksi. En ole ennen ollut niin pitkää aikaa ulkomailla yksin ja näin lähdön lähestyessä on alkanut jännittää ja pelottaa. Haluaisin vain tietää, että tämä on hyvä juttu, minulla on kivaa, opin ja kehityn paljon, enkä halua lähteä jouluna edes pois. Toisaalta pelkään, että siellä on tosi kurjaa, en saa ystäviä, en pidä koulusta ja haluaisin tulla vain takaisin Suomeen. Niin, ehkä se on se että ei voi tietää. Täytyy vaan uskaltaa ja mennä, tuli mitä tuli. Kun sisimmässäni kuitenkin tiedän, että olen tehnyt oikean ratkaisun. Ja että oikeasti kaikista eniten haluan vaan lähteä.

Mutta niin, kesästä vielä jotain. Tutustuin ja vietin aikaa ihanien ihmisten kanssa, minkä ansiosta Oulusta poismuutto oli suorastaan raastavaa. Ystäväni häät olivat jotain niin kaunista ja koskettavaa, tutustuin sielunsiskoon ja nauroin ja itkin yhtä aikaa kämppikseni kanssa monta kertaa. Maailman haikeinta jättää rakkaat ihmiset ja lähteä, mutta onneksi oikeat ystävät eivät koskaan katoa.. Lisäksi addiktoiduin auringonottoon, kävin liian monta kertaa Valkeassa (oikeasti melkein joka päivä) ja tein asioita, jotka ovat minulle epätyypillisiä (mm. pelasin jalkapalloa, valvoin myöhään ja pidin viikonmittaisen instagram paaston). Voisin jatkaa kesäfiilistelyä aika pitkään, mutta tiivistetysti: kesä 2016 oli erittäin hauska, aurinkoinen, carpediem, tunteikas ja jopa rentouttava. Sopivasti random asioita, lomailua, opiskelua, tanssia ja paljon aurinkoa. 

Tämän viikon ohjelmistossa on pakkausta ja panikointia (eli valmistautumista vaihtoa varten). Näen myös erästä lapsuuden ystävääni ja vietän äitin ja iskän kanssa läksäreitä (eli syödään tortilloita ja kakkua). Aloitan aamuni lattiatankobaletilla ja lopetan päiväni elokuvien katseluun tai lehtien lueskeluun. Lauantaina Helsinkiin ja Sunnuntaina Budapestiin. Heippa Suomi!

- Jutta

Läsnäolon elo

Eilen ensimmäistä kertaa näin syksyn. Se näkyi Oulujoen toisella puolella puiden lehdissä. Huusin mielessäni ei ja jee yhtä aikaa. Tänään myös ensimmäistä kertaa tunsin syksyn: hieman kylmä ja kaihoisa tuuli, vaikka aurinko lämmittää. Elokuun ensimmäinen päivä, syksy tuli virallisesti.

Eilen myös väsynyt matkustaja saapui Ouluun, vielä hetkeksi. Viikko Helsingissä oli erittäin hyvä juttu ja Ballet Finland:n kurssilta käteen jäi monta uutta asiaa. Ihan kuin olisin viikon aikana saanut kourallisen jyväsiä, joista aikanaan kasvaa jotain. Intensiivikurssi oli fyysisesti antoisa ja vähän rankka, mutta myös henkisesti herättelevä. Kun kurssin jälkeen toissapäivänä istuin Kaivopuistossa kalliolla, olisin halunnut jäädä sinne ikuisesti. Ehkä se oli väsymys, ehkä asiat päässäni, mutta yhtäkkiä poskiltani valui krokotiilin kyyneliä. En jaksanut vastustaa, vaikka ympärillä oli paljon ihmisiä, vieressä hypättiin benjihyppyä, aurinko paistoi taivaan täydeltä ja oli äärettömän kaunista.

Viime viikolla opin jotain siitä mitä on olla ihmisten edessä omana itsenä. Olen miettinyt viimeaikoina paljon omia ”suojamekanismeja”. Että millä asioilla tai toimintatavoilla suojaan itseäni, ettei kukaan näkisi millainen olen. Tai yritänkö olla jotain muuta kuin itseni. Jokaisella ihmisellä on sellaisia ”sokeita pisteitä” elämässä, asioita joita tiedostamattaan tekee vältelläkseen jotakin. Olen kauhean utelias etsimään omia sokeita pisteitäni. Joskus huomaan (tai ainakin luulen niin) niitä kylläkin toisissa ihmisissä ja silloin tekisi mieli ravistella tai sanoa liian suoraan miten asiat ovat. Mutta itseä onkin vähän vaikeampi ravistella. Sen sijaan välillä kaipaan olla itselleni mahdollisimman totuudenmukainen ja samalla avoin muita ihmisiä kohtaan. Yrittää vaan olla läsnä.

Läsnäolon rooli ainakin tanssissa on merkittävä. Jos tanssiessa keskittyy läsnäoloon, hetkeen, katsoja ei varmasti jää kylmäksi. Itse ehkä liian paljon kamppailen tanssissa tekniikan kanssa ja turhaudun, kun koskaan en ole tarpeeksi hyvä. Helmeä mielestäni onkin ne hetket, kun oivaltaa joskus että minä tanssin nyt, tämä tuntuu hyvältä, oikealta ja kauniilta. Ja ettei mieti niinkään mitä muut ajattelee, vaan tekee niin kuin itse parhaaksi tuntee. 

- Jutta

Uusia tuulia kohti

Viimeiset pari viikkoa ovat todella hurahtaneet Oulussa. Miten kahteen heinäkuiseen viikkoon onkin mahtunut niin paljon tapahtumia, ihmisiä ja tunteita! Huhheijaa.. Eilen olikin sitten sellainen päivä, että äiti ja iskä tulivat hakemaan jo osan tavaroista pois Oulusta, nyyh. Haikeuksien haikeus jättää pian ison välimatkan päähän kaikki rakkaat ystävät.

Vaikka lähteminen on aina surullista, sisimmässäni tiedän, että on aika mennä eteenpäin. Ottaa pieni irtiotto, itsenäistymisaskel ja nähdä elämää vähän toisaalla. Olen innoissani, mutta oikeasti myös jännittää ja jopa pelottaa. 

Eilen myös hyppäsin junaan, sillä vietän tämän viikon Helsingissä Ballet Finland:n intensiivikurssilla. Yksi päivä takana ja onneksi vielä viisi edessä. Vaikka univelka ja väsymys painoivat tänään, tuntui niin hyvältä päästä tanssimaan kunnolla. Tällä hetkellä on maailman parasta, jopa terapeuttista, kun saa keskittyä viikon ajan puolet päivästä vain tanssimiseen.

Loppuun pieni spontaani Oodi kesälle :D Olen niin kesäihminen, että nyt jo harmittaa että pian kesän kauneus katoaa syksyn ja talven peittoon. Heinäkuun viimeinen viikko käynnistyi nimittäin tänään..

Niin kovasti aina odottaa,
miksi se niin nopeasti katoaa?
Auringon säteet, lämmin tuuli,
haaveilumieli, pisamat, hymyhuuli.
Aina vois aikaa olla,
Monesti kaipaa kaiholla.
Vois silmät sulkea, nähdä, ymmärtää
Nauraa, et on tää elämää.

Kesä, Nallikari ja ilta-aurinko <3

 - Jutta

Elossa jälleen

Tällä viikolla olen taas herännyt henkiin. Kolmen viikon tauon jälkeen pääsin kunnolla tanssimaan, kun osallistuin Helsingin tanssiopiston kaupunkileirille. Viisi tanssintäyteistä päivää on tuntunut niin hyvältä! Kurssilla meillä oli päivittäin lattiatankobalettia, balettia, karakteria ja kehonhuoltoa.

Intensiivikurssit ovat huikeita, sillä niissä huomaa lyhyessä ajassa kehittyvänsä. Koen, että tanssiurani aikana juuri kesäkursseilla on ollut iso merkitys oman kehittymisen kannalta. Tämäkin HTO:n kurssi inspiroi minua kovasti. Lattiotankobaletti oli valtavan vahvistavaa ja huoltavaa ja aion ehdottomasti ottaa siitä vaikutteita omaan kehonhuoltooni. Baletissa puolestaan etenimme rauhallisesti, mutta teknisesti tarkasti. Aina tekee hyvää vahvistaa ja puhdistaa omaa balettitekniikkaa! Karakteria en ole kovin paljon tanssinut aiemmin, joten karakteritunneilla opin ehkä eniten uusia asioita. Tanssimme hieman unkarilaista, venäläistä ja espanjalaista karakteritanssia. Karakteritansseissa on nimensä mukaisesti runsaasti luonnetta mukana: yksinkertaisetkin harjoitukset tehdään vahvalla eläytymisellä, mikä on hauskaa ja kokonaisvaltaista. Tämän tiiviskurssin aikana minua on huvittanut seuraava draaman kaari kehoni tuntemuksissa:

Day 1: Keho on loma tilassa, mutta valmiina treenaamaan. Tunneilla on havaittavissa yliyrittämistä ja pusertamista, kun keho etsii tuttuja liikeratoja ja tuntemuksia, tai ehkä lihaksia. Into on kova, kun saa pitkästä aikaa tanssia yksin, mutta ryhmässä, musiikin säestämänä ja opettajan ohjaamana.

Day 2: Auts, sattuu joka paikkaan kun tuli tehtyä vähän liian kovalla intensiteetillä edellispäivänä. Lihakset ovat arat ja on tarve venytellä joka välissä kroppaa auki. Huvittaa, kun kroppa tajuaa että on ollut muutama viikko lomaa tanssista.

Day 3. Keho on väsynyt ja kipeä. Miten sitä jaksaa seuraavat kaksi päivää vielä? Samalla kuitenkin huomaa, että alkaa saada taas otteen tanssista. Että tältäkö se tuntuikin.. 

Day 4. Lihaskipu on yllättäen vähentynyt paljon. Vähän vaan väsyttää. Itse asiassa on ihana tanssia kun tuntee kehon ja lihakset, mutta ei satu. Kaikki asennot löytyvät paremmin, liikkeitä voi viedä pidemmälle jne. 

Day 5. Juuri kun on päässyt vauhtiin, on jo kurssin viimeinen päivä. Ihan niin kuin ei olisi ollut lomaa välissä ollenkaan: tuttu lihasväsymyksen tunne kehossa, joka katoaa tunnilla väliaikaisesti kun musiikki ja sarja lähtee käyntiin. Pystyy keskittymään vain tanssiin ja unohtaa, että tanssisalin ulkopuolellakin on elämää. 

Kun pitkästä aikaa pääsee tanssimaan, alkaa melkein itkettää plié sarjan aikana tai port de bras:ta tehdessä. Tauko tanssista tekee todella hyvää, sillä se muun muassa auttaa tajuamaan kuinka paljon sitä rakastaa. Tanssin tarvetta ei voi täysin selittää, sen voi vain kokea. Kuinka ihanaa on, kun...

...tuntee kehon olevan luotu luomaan liikettä. 

...pyrkii keholla kohti äärirajoja.

...ilmaisee itseään pelkällä liikkeellä, ei sanoilla. 

...yllättää itsensä ja löytää uusia puolia tanssijana.  

...oma keho ja liike sulautuu musiikkiin.

Haluan säilyttää tanssimisen lahjana ja kohdella sitä hyvin. Haluan arvostaa sitä, että rakastan tanssia ja että minulla on tarve tanssia. Haluan kehittyä, viettää aikaa tanssisalissa, miettiä, yrittää ja yrittää uudestaan, itkeä ja nauraa, keskittyä, hyväksyä ja mennä eteenpäin.. Ei siksi, että minusta pitäisi tulla jotain, vaan siksi että mä vaan tykkään tanssia niin älyttömän paljon. 

- Jutta