Stories from Budapest: When the leaves are falling...

Szia! It’s autumn break here. I had last lessons today and now let’s turn the holiday mood on. To be honest I really need holiday. I realized that during the last week, thanks for some lectures I had about ”fatique”.

i learn this river
i’m swimming against
has not been trying to
crush the body
it has been trying to
carry me in its mercy. 

//daniell bennett

I couldn’t watch myself from the mirror. There was ugly and wrong kind of dancer. I avoided mirror during the dance classes and prefered dance in the back row. I didn’t want that teacher would notice me. I felt that I couldn’t receive corrections without crying. Last two weeks I’ve thought many times what’s wrong with me. Why I don’t have physical and mental energy do dance and concentrate. I felt the paradox that what I love most will destroy me.

Couldn’t do pirouettes, couldn’t find balance, couldn’t feel myself. It was hard to fall asleep in the night. Too many things and thoughts. I didn’t write diary or stop myself during the day. I tried to survive and that’s not the purpose of life. When you have physical fatique it affects also to your mind. The teachers and dancers should know it.

My highlight of the week was the most simpliest thing in the world. I took walk on the Friday evening. Actually I went to Margaret Island which is very beautiful ”sport place” in Budapest. I walked and took my time. Maybe understood myself a bit better. Hey, I am tired and that’s okay. I have to rest and do something what I really like to do. And spend time with people who loves me.

It is important to rest also from dancing. Do something different and notice that dancing is just dancing. Although it’s vocation of my life I am also somebody else than dancer. I am sure I will have the most unique autumn break ever. My best friend is coming here and that’s pretty cool. 

- Jutta

Ps. I am waiting for the feeling after autumn break when I walk to the front row and dance with good vibes.

Stories from Budapest: Colours

Colours which you choose will paint your view of tomorrow.

Imagine that you have paintbrush in your hand and you can choose the colours what you want to paint. You can mix different colours or use simple ones. Choice and outcome are yours.

My best friend sent me message while ago and told me: you have colours which nobody else can dance. Since this message I have thought colours. And I am glad to write this post about some of my colours here in Budapest. I’ve got some new awesome friends here who are big part of my everyday painting. I have realised that life is mostly people for me. For counterpoise of dancing I want share some drops of colours from my last week.

On Wednesday we went to see Spartacus ballet to Opera house. It was my first visit in Opera house and the place was so beautiful. I hadn’t seen the ballet earlier so Spartacus was also new experience for me. Although I was standing almost the whole preformance at the balcony I enjoyed the performance.

On Friday I had lovely evening with some wonderful ladies. We had yummy apple oatmeal and the best fellowship by studying the book of Ruth. Sometimes all you need is the cosy evening like this.

My Saturday was the best since I came here in August. In the morning I went to run with my friend to Margaret Island. The weather was sunny and I felt so good to run after long time no running. In the afternoon I had few intensive study hours with my two friends. We have every Saturday ”study group” which means that we go study together to some cafe. After studying I had second afternoon coffee in the very elegant place named book cafe. I was happy to share this coffee moment with three beautiful ladies. (I will tell something about this cafe when I’ll do the post about my favorite coffee places in Budapest.) End culmination of my Saturday was the dance performance "Traviata". It was very dramatic performance by The dancers of GG Dance Eger and Inversedance | Zoltán Fodor Company.

During this week little voice inside me has told me that I don’t want to leave from here after this semester…

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Eternal underachiever?

It was some kind of volleyball game about ten years ago which came up to my mind last week. It was solution moment of the game and I had to catch the ball. I remember the pressure and feeling that everybody were looking at me. And I failed. I was ashamed and felt that I disappointed my team. I 'm  u n d e r a c h i e v e r, I said to myself.

Last week I realized that I have always kept myself as a underachiever. I usually don’t trust that I can and if I am nervous I work too hard and can’t concentrate. ”Just do it” is not slogan for me. I always try to do everything as ”perfect” I can. I go to studio early to warm up, eat healthy, sleep eight hours every night etc. And still I feel that I fail or underachieve too often.

Last week after morning ballet class I tried some pirouettes and balances which I couldn’t do during the class. I wasn’t surprised that when there was only me in the room I magically had very good balance and pirouettes. Then I asked myself why I can’t do this during the class? Why I suppose myself to be a underachiever?

I am person who thinks and analyses a lot, maybe too lot. But nobody ever teach during the dance classes how to practice the mental mind and what’s the way to concentrate well. While I was doing my thesis last week I found some interesting thesis concerning on mental training during the dance classes. According to this thesis it is as important to concentrate on physical training as mental training. And there are many good exercises to work with psyche. For example exercises of breathing, self-speaking and mental imagine. I think it’s time to change something in my mind. Y e s,  I  c a n.

I am finally feeling myself comfortable in Budapest. More good days, smiles and laugh, relaxing and safety feeling.. Yesterday I went to Buda hills with my new friends and it was wonderful evening. Frisbee, camp fire, marshmallows, songs, fellowship, beautiful sunset. I was so happy girl when I fell asleep last night.

- Jutta

Stories from Budapest: Who do you think you are?

I’m believer 

Sometimes I believe the lies of the deceiver 

The lies of seeds when they sprout 

They lead to seasons of spiritual amnesia 

(According to God/Beautiful Eulogy)

My biggest fear is that somebody proves somehow that I am not able to be a dancer. That I don’t have good enough ability or I am wrong kind of dancer.  During the last week I realized how this fear limit myself in the dance classes. If I am constantly thinking what kind of imagine I give about myself to other people I’ll be nervous, unsure and can’t focus well. To be honest I often find myself thinking: What if I fail? What if I look stupid or clumsy?

I think that is not only my problem. If I try to view this topic as a outsider I would like to say something to the dancers.

Nobody can define who you are or what kind of dancer you can be. It’s your body, your mind, your unique personality. And it’s in your mind who do you think you are. The key is to process how to become best your self. You can learn from other people but you can never become someone else.

Maybe we can never know perfectly who we are. It’s everyday searching but will bear fruit: easier to make right decisions, more peaceful mind, even more energy to do things... And also easier to concentrate during the dance classes. In my opinion concentration is beautiful and way to learn well. Focused dancer naturally exopose himself/herself  and that’s the moment when people get little piece to sense who is he/she. But focused dancer dosen’t need to think what other people think about him or her. Just try, fail, try and succeed. The fail is sign that something has to correct and the succeed is just one step forward.

You will not always be strong
but you can always be brave.//Beau Taplin

- Jutta

Ps. During this weekend I went to yoga twice. The studio was hot and I sweated a lot :D. I like very much to do yoga, pilates or this kind of body-mind exercises. They don’t give me inner peace but they are good ways to develop for example concentration, breathing and body awarness.