Szia! It’s autumn break here. I had last lessons today and
now let’s turn the holiday mood on. To be honest I really need holiday. I
realized that during the last week, thanks for some lectures I had about ”fatique”.
i learn this river
i’m swimming against
has not been trying to
crush the body
it has been trying to
carry me in its mercy.
//daniell bennett
I couldn’t watch myself from the mirror. There was ugly and
wrong kind of dancer. I avoided mirror during the dance classes and prefered
dance in the back row. I didn’t want that teacher would notice me. I felt that
I couldn’t receive corrections without crying. Last two weeks I’ve thought many
times what’s wrong with me. Why I don’t have physical and mental energy do
dance and concentrate. I felt the paradox that what I love most will destroy
me.
Couldn’t do pirouettes, couldn’t find balance, couldn’t feel
myself. It was hard to fall asleep in the night. Too many things and thoughts. I
didn’t write diary or stop myself during the day. I tried to survive and that’s
not the purpose of life. When you have physical fatique it affects also to
your mind. The teachers and dancers should know it.
My highlight of the week was the most simpliest thing in the
world. I took walk on the Friday evening. Actually I went to Margaret Island
which is very beautiful ”sport place” in Budapest. I walked and took my time.
Maybe understood myself a bit better. Hey, I am tired and that’s okay. I have
to rest and do something what I really like to do. And spend time with people
who loves me.
It is important to rest also from dancing. Do something
different and notice that dancing is just dancing. Although it’s vocation of my
life I am also somebody else than dancer. I am sure I will have the most
unique autumn break ever. My best friend is coming here and that’s pretty cool.
- Jutta
Ps. I am waiting for the feeling after autumn break when I walk to the front row and
dance with good vibes.
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